When July was ending I was presented a huge lesson. In June, my doctors told me that my blood sugars were 7.7. Normal is 5-7. So they asked me to try new meds. I read the information booklet and was immediately alarmed. However, I allowed the 'professionals' opinion to override my intuition. So on June 24th I started the new medication. Within a day or two, my blood felt weird and I had a metal taste in my mouth. I knew something wasn't right AND I was still willing to give it a go. I am a very compliant patient. I am also very knowledgable and intelligent. On July 27 I went to get my hair cut and coloured and while the hairstylist was colouring my hair she didn't mention anything. Then after she washed my hair she said " Did you know you had a bald spot?" I said NO!!! There was no indication of it before. I went from elation to depression in a second flat. I left the salon deflated. Over the entire month of August I have been losing hair each day.
I am having a huge post trauma response. I have been brought to my knees in anger, rage, sadness, hopelessness and extreme communion with the Divine in asking God what is my lesson I am to learn? As a human I am so mad. The amount of anger that I have had is palpable. Enough that I cancelled a holiday to visit my parents in BC. I take responsibility for my energy and believe me when I say, I am better containing it right now.
I have been totally body bald after chemo. To say I am surprised at my response is an understatement. I think that this episode is allowing me to expel all the rage, anger, sadness, pain and shame that I still have in my body. I have allowed people my entire life to have power over me. I haven't trusted my own intuition deeply. I believe this is the lesson.
So this weekend, rather than visiting my parents, I followed my guidance and went to the creek in Okotoks to clear and clean my energy. It felt so good to feel that cold water around my ankles. I just imagined that my Divine team of God, angels, guides, goddesses and ancestors were helping me. As we walked the path in the park to the stream, we had a cricket that followed me. We saw an eagle, a hawk, ducks and felt the wind in our faces. The warmth of the sun filled me up and it felt good. Sacred.
My husband came with me. He has been enjoying all the nature that has been guiding me and in turn healing him too.
Saturday, Lake Louise beckoned me. We took the two hour trip and unfortunately the site was over full and we were turned away. I was devastated. However, energetically I tapped in to the temple of Archangel Michael and Faith that covers the area and felt the healing that was happening. The sun was beaming and the angels were doing their work on me. I filled up!
Sunday my hubby and I went to a beautiful patio and shared some of my favourite foods.... fries and gravy, spring rolls and a beautiful beet and goat cheese salad.
Today I am ready to enter september. I am tired of focussing on losing my hair and instead I am going to do my best to focus on healing and keeping the hair on my head. I had thought that I was going to shave my head.
My husband tried to calm me by saying " you should be happy that you don't have cancer this time!" It wasn't helpful and instead angered me more.
I know that we all have lessons. As a spiritual teacher, I know that we all have lessons to learn. The thing was that I had felt so happy in June. I was attracting clients, creating classes, teaching and learning!! I was buying new dresses and felt good! I had released some weight and I felt at the top of my game so to speak.
Then bam!!! I know hair may seem like a shallow thing to grieve, however it is so much more than that to me.
As an overweight person my whole life, my hair and my smile are superpowers. I always had beautiful hair. When I lost it because of the cancer I had in 2011-12, I didn't grieve it. I smiled as my stylist shaved my head and I was prepared for it. To say this hit me violently isn't adequate. There are no words to explain the despair I felt. I have gone through a dark night of the soul this month. I know that that also means a deep transformation. I wasn't ready. Are we ever?
I am digging very deep to heal. I have been cocooning my SELF. I have only been doing facebook lives that I am committed to and I am taking time to listen to my own intuition. Two weeks ago I stopped the new meds and I demanded that my doctor rerun some lab tests. To my surprise I am deficient in magnesium. So I went to Joy and Vitality Centre ( where I have gone this whole month) and got magnesium. Eugenia, the owner and my nutritionist, supplied me with Holy Ganga water, biotin, powerful women's vitamins, magnesium salts and magnesium supplements. I feel back in power over my life. I feel God talking to me and I can feel that my body is ridding itself of the impurities that the new medication had left behind.
The lesson here is to always always listen to your intuition. It is the voice of the Holy Spirit and it is always guiding you the RIGHT way. I took a detour in August and I hated it. I cried & cried and cried some days so much that my Maxie ( my sweet sweet fur baby chihuahua) would jump on me and look deeply in my eyes to show me love that only He could show me. I know it was God through Max. Dog is God backwards. That is no accident.
I know that I am strong, even when I feel weak.
Fifty three days I took that new medication. Fifty three days was enough to put my body in an immune response.
I know that I have been dealing with a lot of interpersonal stress. Family, neighbours and friends that have been teachers for me. They have been showing up to demand that I stand in my power and speak my truth. These people have taught me to LET GO and move on. I always wondered why my mentor said that her students are not her friends. Do we truly really have FRIENDS? or are they just people we know?
From May to now, a large number of people have shown me that I have been allowing too much of their energy to affect me. Each day I am taking my power back. I am releasing people who I thought were my friends and I am reexamining where to spend my precious time. I am discerning the teachers for me and the type of teacher and human I wish to be in this world.
The key word here is HUMAN. My whole life I have been expected to take the high road. I kept quiet. I did my best to keep the peace. And it was at my expense. I am not laying any blame here on anyone but me. And now that I know better, I AM PROMISING MY SELF TO DO BETTER FOR ME!!
This may mean that I need to make more BIG decisions and I know that I am strong enough to handle whatever lessons God has for me. The healing is the magic. One day soon I will teach from this experience.
This experience taught me to LET GO of shitty people, places and things. It has demanded that I find JOY in each day. It has taught me HEALTH is WEALTH and is the foundation of a wonderful life. My body has been screaming this month. I did this to my dear body. She spoke to me and told me NOT to take the new meds and I allowed the Dr and the pharmacists voices to be louder than my own!! NOT ONE MORE TIME.
I know that my hair will grow. I am allowing it to heal. I am treating myself well. I am voicing what I want and I am going to get it.
I hope that this sheds some light on what I have been going through this month.
I got this. I know I do! God is so good. He never leaves us even when it feels that way and as though we are on the path alone. Listen in and take time to heal. Do whatever it takes. For me it is taking:
I want to leave you with a prayer.
September is going to be a great month for you!
You will experience wins, healing, blessings and spiritual insight.
I declare that nothing in your life will stay the same.
You will receive good things.
In Jesus name, AMEN.
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