Wow, It is only January 31 and already my 2016 has brought so many changes! I never thought on New Year's Eve that my 2016 would have already had me make the decision to allow my dog daughter Miss Bella to have to cross the rainbow bridge. She was so sick. I didn't know it but the vet said it was most likely cancer. I miss her so much. This ball of fur was an amazing gift to me. She kept me company every day of the illness and recuperation. She loved me unconditionally, like no-one else on this planet has or ever will. I know the gift she gave me and I am so in her debt. She opened the door to make more decisions. Decisions necessary to bring in MORE. I knew FUTURE was one of my words for this year and so was MORE.
I have held emotions in my body in unhealthy ways. I have manifested migraines, diabetes, and cancer because I held them in. I never knew better.
According to "The Secret Language of Your Body, by Inna Segal"
migraine = control, pressure, seriousness, perfectionism. Over committing yourself . Great need for love and approval. Ignoring your own needs. Putting other people before you. Extreme guilt and anxiety. Conflict with self and other people. Self-punishment. Feeling angry and annoyed with other people.
diabetes=fear of participating in life. great need for control and to know things. Deep need for attention and approval. A constant craving for loved paired with a belief that you are unworthy and undeserving. Deep seated guilt. Belief that you have to struggle to survive. Often losing yourself in a relationship. Constant need for sweetness to make feelings of weakness, limitation and the belief that there is not enough. Stuck in your world of limitation and lack.
Cancer=feeling limited, angry, fearful, out of control. Carrying wounds from the past. Not feeling good enough. Shrinking inside and attacking yourself from within. Feeling like guilt, fried and uncertainty are eating away at your body. On guard. never being able to relax and let go. Pushing yourself to do more than you can handle. Trying to please others and constantly seeking approval.
Do you see a pattern in the diagnosis that my body manifested?? Seeking approval of others.. I will never forget it. But now that I know better I am resolving to do better. That is what Maya Angelou taught. When you know better you do better.
I now know better. I am not blaming anyone for anything. I know that all the decisions I have made up to today have been mine. But I was doing things wrong. I was always searching for external validation. I remember the first time I was told to "look within". I didn't really understand that concept. I certainly do now. I know that I am one with God. I am not separate. I am not what other people think of me. They are what they think of me. I am not less than or better than. I am me. One with God. Perfect. Whole. Complete. Beautiful. Worthy. Enough. Kind. Compassionate. I am Love! God is love. When I learn to trust that God spark inside of me and when I truly learn to trust my intuition to guide me then I will know Peace.
Paulo and I have decided to sell our home, not out of fear but out of knowing that things are as they are. In order to manifest abundance sometimes you have to LET GO of the old to welcome the new. Not from fear but from TRUST! I trust God to be illuminating my path and I will not allow another person to try to make me live with fear. I will not have another person's judgement of my past decisions alter my decisions today. I have spent enough years seeking that external validation. What has hurt the most though through the past few days is the lack of support from those that you have supported the most. I have loved my inlaws and I have loved my family so very much. Now it is time to love MYSELF enough to do what is right for me.
Life isn't meant to be lived perfectly. That is why we are here on earth having this earth experience. To make mistakes. To learn lessons. To take the value of the lesson and to move on.
Sometimes the growth is so exponential that you have breathe it all in and accept how far you have come!! You are a freeking badass human!! Look at how much you have endured and you are still here shining!!!!
"A course in Miracles" has been my lifeline the past 29 days. It has made me take many half hour periods throughout each day in HIS presence. Listening to HIS voice. I have been learning to tell the ego to buzz off. I am sitting with GOD and his trust. I have given up the thought that I am a body. I am not. I am a soul. I have a body. I am telling my body I am healed. In the holy instant I am healed. When I sit in the truth of who I am - I am love. I am not all the bad things my thoughts have tried to make me think. I am trying to quiet the noise of other people's opinion of me. What they think shouldn't matter. My whole life I have seeked that external validation.
As I sit here also doing my mentor's 44 day detox of emotional issues.. I am staring at my journal. This journal says LOOK WITHIN on it. I am Looking within to heal.
So don't worry about me. I am so strong I can hardly believe it. Where I have gone wrong is trying to get that external validation. I am a work in progress. So today again I will sit with God and I will know the truth of who I am and I will know that the best days of my life haven't happened yet. I will breathe that in and I will know I am going to be fine. No matter what.
I love you. I love God. We are one.
In memory of my Miss Bella - 7/9/07- 1/21/16 - I believe on a soul level that my beautiful fur daughter absorbed much of my sadness and asked God for her to leave in order for me to be given more time. I appreciate that and I am going to do my best to live the remaining days of my life being MORE.
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