HEALING is a process. According to the Google dictionary the definition is :
gerund or present participle: healing
Healing for me has been a process of so much learning. Even though I knew the emotions behind my unwellness for about the last 8 days, it wasn't releasing from my body quickly. Nope, this time I had to feel it all. I had to feel the anger, resentment, loss, pain, fear, hurt, rejection and regret and I had to physically allow my body, from a cellular level, to regenerate.
Peeling back the onion of healing requires a certain amount of fortitude and strength. The release is painful and the tears flow. The wounds of the past cut deep. God and the angels allowed me to see where I went wrong and what I did right. It is amazing how a letter I had sent to an in law a year ago begging for forgiveness, for the second time, came up when I was doing an email search for something else, last week. It is amazing how 15 months later we sit and they still are not speaking to me. You see I said something to the one that I shouldn't have. I told her to F. off. How terrible of me. However I was bereft with grief at losing my dog and was not of sound mind. Sure it is an excuse, but I see I was Divinely guided to those words that day. ( a mentor validated that for me)
My words were directed to her and were hurtful. I apologized not once, but twice and was met with unforgiveness. And then, not only did she stop talking to me, so did the other two. Then in Sept when I went to apologize again, one of them told me they had their limits and no longer liked me. I have been working on becoming a better person. I have been working on becoming a better teacher, healer and soul on this planet. And I know I am. I have had mentors and teachers help me release the pain of having been a wonderful supportive family member. I have given gifts, time, experience, money and help throughout my 32 years with that family. I no longer will be held silent. I have a right to heal and share why I am releasing so much this week and why I am so sick.
Healing this part of the wounded inner child is hard. It is painful and it is necessary. I am worthy of forgiveness and I will not spend one more day in pain. I have a wonderful and loving family who love and support me and I know that I will be fine. The rest is up to God. He has never left me yet and I feel His Supreme presence in every moment of every breath I get to take.
This year Paulo and I celebrate 30 years of marriage. I look forward to spending it with him and my family and I am teaching Paulo jr never to allow himself to feel inferior to anyone.
I was broken open. I healed and I am healing. I recognize I no longer matter to them and so I move forward with Grace and the knowledge that I matter to God and when He asks me " Let's talk about how all that went ?" I will be able to say with an open heart, Dear God, I prayed to you and I asked you for help and your answer was to HEAL and move on.
I am being of service each and every day. I am being love. I am not perfect. I recognized my part in all of the hurt, and the pain and I have chosen to heal it. To become better and not allow this to make me sick. So if I had to be physically ill to heal this and move it all out, well it was so worth it!!! And tonight I sit and hold space with a teacher, mentor and guide who has helped me more than she knows and I know I am right where God put me. Walking through my lessons with Grace and ease during this expansion and I say THANKYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU GOD!!! I am fierce. I am strong. Bring on the next lessons gently please.
God bless all of you.
I hope my stories help you see we are all more alike than different. We all have our human moments of imperfection, where we are presented to sit in ego or grow with our spirit. The choice is yours... How wonderful!!!!
If I can be of service please contact me.
Love and may God bless you and heal you
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