I knew turning 50 would be a pivotal time of change in my life. I could feel it in my heart, soul and in every fibre of my being. I knew that with medical menopause came many changes in a woman's body and not being able to take any hormones because of the history of cancer I had to seek out ways to help myself or the propensity towards depression would overtake me, Mind, body, soul and spirit.
Little did I know the magnitude of the change God had in store for me. I was coasting through life until this point stuffing myself with food when I didn't feel good, when I felt overwhelmed and when life got to much. I was happy enough on the outside and hid a multitude of feelings behind my smile. I was wearing a pretty good mask I would say. I was hiding the fact I was crying on the inside. I allowed my weight to hold me back so much. I wanted to be liked and don't get me wrong I did have a few friends but I was the girl that was the good girl. I didn't put myself in situations to get myself into trouble. I only smoked because I wanted to be cool.. Dumb! I had a great husband but his work often took him away from home for long hours of time. I sat at home and numbed my loneliness with food. I was happy and felt very blessed when my son came along but having to deal with teachers etc all the time because he required extra attention was very hard on me. So I ate. Eating felt good- for a moment. I look back now and realize that those days I seemed like a cranky witch to my family was days that I was reacting to all the pain in me.
It was only after going through the Stage 3 cancer and surviving, that I knew I had a second chance to get something right!! I searched out so many different healing modalities. I assembled a team..... I had a spiritual coach, a life coach, a dietician, a psychologist, a Reiki practitioner, a bio-feedback person, physiotherapist, a counsellor, a priest. I went to see John Of God. Oprah and I found Hayhouse radio and I CAN DO IT online. I found "Celebrate Your Life " and found Sunny Dawn Johnston. I was guided to mentoring and then to her healing retreats and I knew I was on the right track. I have done sound healing, yoga nidra, yoga, meditation, positive affirmations etc. I didn't sit around waiting for things to change. I knew I had to change. The biggest thing I had to do was shut up the negative Julie in my head. Along the journey I realized that the old Julie was gone. I had birthed this new Giuliana. I wondered what Rev TD Jakes meant when he said " pregnant with possibility". But I get it now. I was pregnant with possibility. I knew that I could create this new life for me. I could birth a new life. I had to love myself enough to do it. It wouldn't be easy. I knew though that with the Strength of GOD in me.. with all that light people always talked about I could do it. But I had to love myself the way I loved everyone else. I somehow forgot that along the way somewhere. I knew it wasn't too late though.
What I learned was this. I love myself enough to forgive myself for not treating myself better. Like Maya Angelou says " when you know better, you do better!' AMEN. I had to forgive myself and all things and people in my past. Not because they deserved it, but because I did!!! I had to be grateful.. every single day.. I had to count my blessings. I had to be kind. Now I know the reason I walked through all the work stuff at the end was to ensure I never treat anyone unkind ever. I had to love myself first and then go out and love everyone I know. I had to believe in a power greater than me. I call Him GOD.. but you may call Him Source, Universe, Creator etc. I had to be thankful for all of my family and all the lessons those amazing teachers (family ) taught me and continue to teach me. I had to be grateful for my friends and cherish them. I had to feed my physical body better with better food choices and drink lots of water.
I also realized I had to bring my inner child out to play sometimes and have fun. I mostly realized that I had to be proud of my light and to never ever ever dull it because someone can't take it shining in their eyes. Mostly I had to realize that I am not separate from anyone. That I am spirit in body, created by GOD and that no matter what I matter. I am loved and I am beautiful. I loved myself enough to claim my birth name GIULIANA. I continue to be a work in progress. What I know for sure? you have to love yourself enough to make the changes necessary to live a better life. You can't sit around and just expect life to change. It takes work. Ask God for help. He will send you the most amazing teachers and support. But you have to be open to it. Are you??? If you are then give me a call.. Together we will heal, grow, learn and become the best versions of ourselves yet!
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